Marriages end and 80% of the time if it does it is the woman’s fault. Yes, I have the balls to say it and it is true. Men are mostly easy going and in it for the duration like lambs to the slaughter believing the to death do us part vow and hoping things work out come hell or high water. Some schlub’s seem to learn nothing from divorce as evidenced by James Russell Lingerfelt’s sickening essay “Beautiful advice from a divorce man after 16 year’s of marriage“. Thanks to heartiste for providing the self exploding ammunition.
Divorce isn’t an easy thing for anyone but is anyone so self loathing to assume they are solely to blame? Evidently so. With no further delay here are 20 not so beautiful reasons why..
1. “Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it.”
If there can be no comfort in marriage why bother? That goes equally for both parties and I am not advocating letting yourself go as a man but what does it really mean to take a woman for granted? The concept owning a woman’s heart and fiercely protecting it are so new ageish or breaking bad evangelical Christian heresy that attempt to place the blame on a man’s doorstep for women ending a marriage without real justification.
2. “Protect your own heart. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance”.
Good advice here but what is he really saying? Unless he cheated (which I would bet against 99-1 based on the tone of the post) this is just more new age spinster feel goodism lacking any real substance. What lead to the divorce be honest?
3. “Fall in love over and over again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her”
Wow do you masturbate to thoughts of the new guy plowing her? Yes, she does have to stay with you if she has any kind of morals after all she promised to, right? Shouldn’t honor and the promise to be faithful mean something, evidently not? So I have a big question why marry? If neither person has to stay with each other that sounds like something called being single.
4. “Always see the best in her. Focus only on what you love. . If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged”.
All the odds makers in Vegas tell me lack of love on your part was not the problem more lack of interest on her part. Be real it was not your critical nature that ended this relationship…
5. “It’s not your job to change or fix her… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.”
Raw painful truth here stop making excuses.. Who’s fault is it again? Quit writing posts hoping it will get you your next lay. Some changes are bad and not what you signed up for and should be resisted.
6. “Take full accountability for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love”.
This is 100% truth but had nothing to do with why your relationship ended it is just filler
7. “Never blame your wife if you get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility.”
Maybe but maybe not. What did she do? I’d say if she plowed the whole rugby team or spent you into debt you have a right to be mad. If she burnt dinner its annoying but not a big deal. You know the difference, right?
8. “Allow your woman to just be. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok” The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out…”
There was more to this but I just had to cut it off. Did she let you be? No chance. As soon as you got off of your job she was in your grill demanding your attention right? Not even a moment to let up and unwind from the day. Yep she wanted better and different and it wasn’t your fault it is called hypergamy and unless you were born a Baldwin you probably had no chance.
9. “Be silly… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.”
Some useful advice a lot of people take life too seriously.
10. “Fill her soul everyday… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen”.
You’ve read lots of the wrong books but have learned nothing about why things went wrong. Be a little more animal and a little less Dr. Phil/Urkel.
11. “Be present. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is”.
Not too much to quarrel with here except the need to mention soul in every single line. Being present is a good thing but it still wasn’t your fault she got bored, found someone better, or had unrealistic expecations, be honest.
12. “Be willing to take her sexually”
Yep be a man and go after what you want. But doing all of the other self destructive things mentioned will give her persistent headaches that never seem to go away.
13. “Don’t be an idiot…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she”
Natural repercussion of making a 20 item list come hell or high water. This says nothing but appeasing people who thing men are idiots well done foolish sir!
14. “Give her space… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself”.
Truly horrible advice. A woman wanting space is done with you already and likely arranging her backup plan. Learn from your mistakes will you?
15. “Be vulnerable… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.”
This wouldn’t have helped you and wasn’t your problem. Were you the renegade lone wolf keeping a distance while she yearned to know you deeper? Hmm..
16. “Be fully transparent. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share”
New Age Gospel according to James. Praise the Lord they didn’t give James a gospel in the New Testament! How would this have changed the situation at all?
17. “Never stop growing together… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool”
Growth is cool and encouraged. But were you growing together or apart? Was she committed to growing with you like she promised?
18. “Don’t worry about money. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win”.
This line more than any other confirms to me that the author is pandering and foolish. Money matters and responsible adults know how to manage it to their mutual benefit. Overspending and debt is a cancer that cuts to the core of a relationship exposing it for unwise decisions that can not be paid for.. Eventually you have to pay there is no free ride in this fairy tale…
19. “Forgive immediately and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage”
For small things I 100% agree. For serious matters true repentance is required and it is more trying on a relationship. Not everything can or should be an easy path to status quo. Generic statements like this hardly deserve the thought I am putting in.
20. “Always choose love. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure”.
Did she choose love when she served you with divorce and most probably lifetime alimony? I feel the love…
“In the end marriage isn’t about happily ever after.”
“MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE: Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from. Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.”
Why would any self respecting man think this will help him? There is no evidence any of this would have helped your situation and most of the steps here are only pandering to the notion that women never are to blame and that if things went wrong it has to be the man’s fault. ? Men be smart if you are already married do your best and look out for your interests and if not Do Not Marry unless you are a glutton for…