Wise man’s rebuttal to beautiful advice from a divorced man after 16 years of marriage

Marriages end and 80% of the time if it does it is the woman’s fault. Yes, I have the balls to say it and it is true. Men are mostly easy going and in it for the duration like lambs to the slaughter believing the to death do us part vow and hoping things work out come hell or high water. Some schlub’s seem to learn nothing from divorce as evidenced by James Russell Lingerfelt’s sickening essay “Beautiful advice from a divorce man after 16 year’s of marriage“.  Thanks to heartiste for providing the self exploding ammunition.

Divorce isn’t an easy thing for anyone but is anyone so self loathing to assume they are solely to blame? Evidently so. With no further delay here are 20 not so beautiful reasons why..

1. “Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it.”

If there can be no comfort in marriage why bother? That goes equally for both parties and I am not advocating letting yourself go as a man but what does it really mean to take a woman for granted? The concept owning a woman’s heart and fiercely protecting it are so new ageish or breaking bad evangelical Christian heresy that attempt to place the blame on a man’s doorstep for women ending a marriage without real justification.

2. “Protect your own heart. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance”.

Good advice here but what is he really saying? Unless he cheated (which I would bet against 99-1 based on the tone of the post) this is just more new age spinster feel goodism lacking any real substance. What lead to the divorce be honest?

3. “Fall in love over and over again.  You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her”

 Wow do you masturbate to thoughts of the new guy plowing her? Yes, she does have to stay with you if she has any kind of morals after all she promised to, right? Shouldn’t honor and the promise to be faithful mean something, evidently not? So I have a big question why marry? If neither person has to stay with each other that sounds like something called being single.

4. “Always see the best in her. Focus only on what you love. . If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged”.

All the odds makers in Vegas tell me lack of love on your part was not the problem more lack of interest on her part. Be real it was not your critical nature that ended this relationship…

5. “It’s not your job to change or fix her… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.”

Raw painful truth here stop making excuses.. Who’s fault is it again? Quit writing posts hoping it will get you your next lay. Some changes are bad and not what you signed up for and should be resisted.

6. “Take full accountability for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love”.

This is 100% truth but had nothing to do with why your relationship ended it is just filler

7. “Never blame your wife if you get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility.”

Maybe but maybe not. What did she do? I’d say if she plowed the whole rugby team or spent you into debt you have a right to be mad. If she burnt dinner its annoying but not a big deal. You know the difference, right?

8. “Allow your woman to just be. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok” The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out…”

There was more to this but I just had to cut it off. Did she let you be? No chance. As soon as you got off of your job she was in your grill demanding your attention right? Not even a moment to let up and unwind from the day. Yep she wanted better and different and it wasn’t your fault it is called hypergamy and unless you were born a Baldwin you probably had no chance.

9. “Be silly… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.”

Some useful advice a lot of people take life too seriously.

10. “Fill her soul everyday… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen”.

You’ve read lots of the wrong books but have learned nothing about why things went wrong. Be a little more animal and a little less Dr. Phil/Urkel.

11. “Be present. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is”.

Not too much to quarrel with here except the need to mention soul in every single line. Being present is a good thing but it still wasn’t your fault she got bored, found someone better, or had unrealistic expecations, be honest.

12. “Be willing to take her sexually”

Yep be a man and go after what you want. But doing all of the other self destructive things mentioned will give her persistent headaches that never seem to go away.

13. “Don’t be an idiot…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she”

Natural repercussion of making a 20 item list come hell or high water. This says nothing but appeasing people who thing men are idiots well done foolish sir!

14. “Give her space… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself”.

 Truly horrible advice. A woman wanting space is done with you already and likely arranging her backup plan. Learn from your mistakes will you?

15. “Be vulnerable… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.”

This wouldn’t have helped you and wasn’t your problem. Were you the renegade lone wolf keeping a distance while she yearned to know you deeper? Hmm..

16. “Be fully transparent. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share”

New Age Gospel according to James. Praise the Lord they didn’t give James a gospel in the New Testament! How would this have changed the situation at all?

17. “Never stop growing together… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool”

Growth is cool and encouraged. But were you growing together or apart? Was she committed to growing with you like she promised?

18. “Don’t worry about money. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win”.

This line more than any other confirms to me that the author is pandering and foolish. Money matters and responsible adults know how to manage it to their mutual benefit. Overspending and debt is a cancer that cuts to the core of a relationship exposing it for unwise decisions that can not be paid for.. Eventually you have to pay there is no free ride in this fairy tale…

19. “Forgive immediately and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage”

For small things I 100% agree. For serious matters true repentance is required and it is more trying on a relationship. Not everything can or should be an easy path to status quo. Generic statements like this hardly deserve the thought I am putting in.

20. “Always choose love. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure”.

Did she choose love when she served you with divorce and most probably lifetime alimony? I feel the love…

“In the end marriage isn’t about happily ever after.”

True enough

“MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE: Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from. Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.”

Why would any self respecting man think this will help him? There is no evidence any of this would have helped your situation and most of the steps here are only pandering to the notion that women never are to blame and that if things went wrong it has to be the man’s fault. ? Men be smart if you are already married do your best and look out for your interests and if not Do Not Marry unless you are a glutton for…

Posted in Divorce, Marriage, Mistakes Men Make | 4 Comments

Offering advice to people you know is usually a waste of time

brickwallMost people I run across that claim to want advice really just want someone to talk to. It took me the longest time to realize that because wise being that I am, I naturally took it at face value after all most people could benefit from advice. But offering advice when someone only wants to talk is a waste of both peoples time. It puts undue pressure on the advice hearer to take some action and actually take steps to improve their lot in life. That is only useful for people that are looking to change and improve an fact is most people don’t want to do that kind of heavy lifting. Much better to complain about the same problem over and over vs. the discomfort and risk associated with changing.

Even though I no longer offer unwanted advice I refuse to listen to problems or pity talk more than once. The choice to improve is optional but my choice to avoid wasting time and energy on someone who is lazy and stuck in destructive ways is the equal and opposite reaction.

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Men bashing disguised as research in academia

research“So there you have it: Men are shallow and easily seduced; women thoughtfully gather information before acting. Researcher cautions, his findings are relevant only in a retail shopping environment”.

This quote ended an article in a recent university publication and is the type of nonsense that gets passed off as research in many modern day universities. The only part that rings even remotely true are men are easily seduced. After that examine the rest. Shallow? Thoughtfully gather information before making decisions? Seems like some researcher was hoping to get laid by propagating wishful thinking and passing it off as scientific. No wonder all that we can invent these days are new social networking sites to help yorkshire terrier’s find the chihuahua of their dreams..

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Teaching my son to be a warrior

EyeofthetigerI signed my son up for kenpo karate so he could learn some self defense skills so he’d know how to handle himself and also to get him off the electronic devices. Anything that gets a kid his age off of the digital crack is a good thing in my book.   He already knows what the prize looks like and has had his eyes on the black belt from day one. He would have bypassed the white belt and everything in between if it worked that way. He is doing well in his classes and is testing for the next level soon. As long as he continues to benefit from the classes and wants to progress I will keep encouraging him to progress.

He loves to spar with me and I don’t hold much back when he tries to bring the thunder. I let him give a few good licks but I also ensure that he keeps his defenses up and show him what it feels like to be under attack. No fear at all it is quite impressive. Some of the higher belts sometimes try to bully the lower ones or at least verbally insinuate they are superior. The older ones would win in a point type system but I wonder how things would go if they really started something it would be pretty interesting because I am not sure they have the look of eagles. My son has it even if he doesn’t have the belts yet.

One of the kids who also will be taking the next level test, well I wouldn’t make the same bet. When the instructor said who is ready for the next level this kid put his head down and wanted no part of it even though he was ready according to the class. He asked if he had to come. Even the instructor who is paid to be nice had to take pause at passing such a mentally weak student. How tough will life be for this kid unless he finds some self confidence and embraces life like my son does? Why isn’t his dad teaching him to be a warrior? Either way it isn’t that kids fault he has no role model, no one to encourage an let him know that he is good enough. Probably isn’t even the kid’s dad’s fault for all I know. Maybe he lost courthouse roulette and mommy is proving to the world that boys don’t need a father. Either way kids like him lose and get deposited in the ashes of wimps and whiners jar. Fear does not exist in this dojo does it?

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Best advice for recent college graduates

CollegeAdviceCollege graduation season is upon us and a fresh crop of indebted individuals is about to be unleashed on corporate and other parts of America. It doesn’t seem like it has been as long as it has but I am nearly 15 years out now so have some collected wisdom to share with the recent graduates. This wisdom is collected from my own experience and witnessing the approach taken by recent college graduates that I have interacted within a professional environment.

What to do:

  • Follow your passions now while you have minimal responsibilities and nothing holding you back
  • Choose your mentors wisely and follow their guidance. Who you know and attach your coat tails to matters as much as what you know and do.
  • Start paying yourself first and save and invest aggressively as soon as you start working. Utilize the company 401k match for all its worth you won’t be getting a defined benefit pension so take everything you can get.
  • Speak up but in a humble way. Get recognized for your contributions by approaching it this way but don’t think you know a lot because you have a degree. So does everyone else and you will have to pay your dues so that is why having a mentor can help you learn the ropes.
  • If you have entrepreneurial ambitions go for it now
  • Work for free for a little bit (but not too long) if that exposure can land you the job you want.

What not to do:

  • Don’t let fear hold you back go ruthlessly after your dreams and do not let anything stand in your way.
  • Don’t lock yourself into big fixed costs like new cars or houses. Keep your monthly expenses low so you can keep your options open until you are ready to lay down some roots.
  • Don’t focus on the position with the highest starting salary instead focus on the job that will provide you the most experience in the area you want to focus. Nothing can replace the value of learning and achieving the 10,000 hours of experience in your chosen field at a young age. It is the foundation for higher earnings later in life.
  • Don’t rush into marriage there is plenty of time especially for you men.
  • Don’t start work the day after you graduate. I did that and everyone deserves a few weeks off to live it up before work for the rest of your life begins.

Best wishes college graduates the future is yours if you seize it.

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Your a charming bastard Frank Sinatra

The VoicePicked up the book The Voice a Frank Sinatra bio and brought it on vacation with me to the great state of Florida. It was a long but addicting read detailing the early career of Sinatra and all of the capers he got involved with. If any entertainer had more personalty than Frank in the 1900s I am at a loss to think of who that might be. The public both loved and then hated him several times throughout his career but he always did it his way.

His way is the way of the alpha if your thing is banging broads and being the best at what you do. Sinatra had more quality tail than any of his peers and he did it through sheer charm and by being the ring leader that always kept things interesting for his crew. He also had the danger element working in his favor, he had an explosive temperament that could turn to rage on a dime and mob connections although no one truly knows how deep they were.

Some things I learned from reading about Frank:

  • No matter how alpha you think you are you’ll meet you match and then some at some point. Sinatra slayed everything in his path until Ava Gardner but then he became under her spell and lost his mojo. The hunter becomes the hunted and everybody hurts sometime.
  • Setbacks are temporary. Everyone wrote Sinatra’s career off when he stumbled after rising to the top but he kept hustling and never gave up. His critics thought many names like Haymes, Fisher, Como, Lewis & Martin etc.. would be remembered instead of him but through sheer will power and desire he is the name everyone remembers.
  • Sometimes we don’t appreciate what we have if it is too comfortable. Frank’s first wife was always his rock and one of the old school good women but he just couldn’t be satisfied with easy. He took care of his family financially but was pretty much a stranger to them besides that. Not the kind of man I’d want to be even though I can envy his lifestyle on occasion.
  • Sinatra spent like there was no tomorrow throughout his life and was often very close to insolvent due to his extravagance. He pulled it off due to extreme talent and hustle but most people that try to emulate this lifestyle will end up under performing not everyone can be Sinatra. Many people in his crew like Sammy Davis Jr. tried to mimic his approach but got themselves in financial trouble.
  • To reach the top levels like Frank you have to have a sole focus on self and not worry about what others think. This approach wouldn’t be for me I am much to loyal a person and couldn’t discard people that helped me along the way just because I was ready for the next step in the ladder. Frank navigated this path several times and always burned the bridge and made the move onward and upward.
  • No one is completely good or completely bad. It would be easy to vilify or think less of Sinatra after reading this book but for all the bad there are also tales of his legendary generosity and being there when someone needed it. Life is complicated and it is a sign of maturity when you can see the grey.

Sinatra could never be bored and could never sit still. Always had to be moving and staying one step ahead of the coffin. In the end we all only have a limited amount of time on this earth so you decide what is important to you and DO IT YOUR WAY.


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Simplicity is beautiful

simplicityDo you appreciate the simple things in life and savor the moment while you are in it? Or are you hurrying through life busy shuffling from one chore to the other without taking a step back and giving yourself time to enjoy life? I indulged in a mini retreat this past weekend and it was paradise. Just doing what I wanted with no forced routine or schedules to meet, living in the moment. The polar opposite experience from the day to day grind of wishing your life away.

Feeling the breeze through my hair with the top down, salty sea mist in the air, tasting it like the prelude to a margarita.

Savoring the sand between my toes.

Marveling at the power and vastness of the ocean. In and out. Calm one minute and powerfully destructive the next.

Imagining the treasures claimed by the sea over the centuries and cooking up plots on how I could get my hands on some of it.

Sad for the people so absorbed with their cell phones too busy to experience paradise beyond advertising to their “friends” that they were there.

When was the last time you did exactly what you wanted to do and put the mundane aside? Even just for a little while.

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Wishing your life away Monday through Friday?

Time is ticking“I need to stop wishing my life away Monday – Friday from 8am to 5pm. I’ll want it back someday”.

This powerfully deep nugget was part of a friend’s Facebook status update. Anyone who is not passionate about what they are doing often wishes their week away working for the weekend like the old 80’s Loverboy anthem. This mindset takes shape at an early age in school but at least you are working for the weekend + the summer then. Once you have a job it is working for the weekend + a few weeks paid vacation if you are lucky.

We wish too much of our time away anticipating greener pastures sometime far off a day not today. It is easy to live life in this way and not think about it until you are at the end of your days. Don’t wait until your hourglass has a grain of sand left, take control of your life and get passionate about living. That or enjoy your weekend. Carpe diem.

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Don’t chase magic bullets

magicbulletsWhen I was younger I was hungry to improve myself but didn’t know how to go about doing it. I went about things the hard way trying to read a lot, searching for wisdom from self proclaimed gurus who claimed to have answers. Reading is still a passion of mine but looking back I realize that I was pursuing my quest for self improvement in the hardest possible way. I was arrogantly trying to learn by collecting knowledge and processing it on my own but that is a difficult road if you want to achieve big things in life. I failed to realize there is a much easier path to success that I am starting to enthusiastically embrace. Find someone who has succeeded at what you want to do and do what it takes to build a good relationship with that person. The road to success has already been paved for you, find a good mentor and do not try to do it all on your own. Finding the right mentor at a young age can propel you ahead of the pack but it is never too late as long as there is still something you want to achieve.

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Instant karma’s gonna get you

Karma is one thing but instant karma is rare. John Lennon knew what he was talking about. So many of clueless people her death was no tragedy but it definitely was preventable. Honor your marriage vows. Avoid traveling alone to dangerous parts of the city where previous incidents have happened. The world is a dangerous place and foolish actions have consequences mostly for the kids left behind.

At least some of the commenters get it:

“Let’s be honest, this woman was a very shady person. I don’t want to hear any more about her. She’s scum. I have relatives like her, don’t really care to read about it in the news”.

“Her bag has “My Way” on it. her flickr handle was MeMyselfSarai. Do we normally broadcast how self-centered we are? Maybe her narcissim was her downfall”.

“This story sets offs warning bells. Married? Single? Trip alone with only cell phone to take pictures? Smells fishy. Sex with strangers? Are you kidding me. Sleeper cell?”

Most husbands of cheating women won’t get out this easy, they will get half.

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