I had a few friends over last night and we were reminiscing about adventures of the past. It’s funny how the stories we always retell are not the present day ones. After all we have high(er) status job now and make awesome money to support a comfortable living and have plenty left to invest for the future. We are at the peak of what worldly wisdom says is the time of our lives but we tell stories about the times when we had freedom and recklessly sought excitement around the world. Freedom and the ability to own your time make for a more exciting life than being a clock punching big wig. Even with a great career I am still part of the desk jockey club that Hawaiian libertarian speaks of. It’s not soul killing because I now like what I do after a recent career direction change. But it’s not Thailand in a rickshaw with a good buzz next to a smoking hot 18 year old on a highway with cars whizzing by at 70 miles per hour.
I understand it is healthy for a man to take a look in the mirror and see how he can improve for the future based on previous experience. But sometimes this goes to far into letting another responsible adult off the hook. Take the following quote as an example:
“For the record my ex-wife may be crazy but in retrospect it was me who lost my alpha edge in the marriage and pushed her into being a bitch towards me.”
Can you really make someone be a bitch? No, men need to stop letting women’s bad behavior off the hook and subscribing to some false concept of “manning up”. You may have contributed to the situation but ask yourself a few questions:
Didn’t both of you promise til death do you part?
Was she the one to break that vow?
Is losing your alpha edge mentioned anywhere in the vow ? In sickness and in health, til death do you part (unless he loses his alpha edge!)
Why accept blame that is probably at most 20% your fault? Put the blame where it belongs and don’t let her off the hook. You didn’t make her a bitch, genetics and a poor disposition did that.
Just picked up the book Gun Guys while at the library over the weekend. Only about 1/3 of the way through it so far and not sure what I think of it yet. There was one part that I absolutely loved though. The author was interviewing a machine gun aficionado named Roger Sprava at one of the big shoot offs in the desert and the author said “Let me guess your not married”. No, if I was married, I’d probably have a fancy bath-room instead. This guy loves shooting his gun collection but even he realizes his freedom to pursue his passions would be limited and he’d be picking out tile at the Home Depot for his 4th bathroom remodeling project instead of doing what he loves. Be honest do you care how fancy your bathroom is?
Had a little downtime this weekend and decided to rent The Great Gatsby. Surprisingly, I somehow escaped reading this in high school and it was not a big loss because I would not have known how to properly interpret it. There is no doubt F. Scott Fitzgerald saw the light and was a red pill aware man of his era.
Everything Gatsby did was for a woman the love of his life Daisy Buchanan who married someone else of higher social standing while Gatsby became a self made man taking advantage of all opportunities legal and otherwise. After he became one of the new rich Gatsby still couldn’t let go of his fantasies and idealized picture of what he thought Daisy was and wanted her to be. Sounds familiar to red pill ideology doesn’t it. He convinces her to resume the affair and thinks she will leave her husband for him but that plan goes awry when her husband makes him lose his cool during a confrontation and you can see Daisy makes up her mind in that instant that she would never leave her husband for Gatsby no matter how much he tries to win her favor. On the way back from that event she accidentally strikes and kills her husbands mistress in an all too convenient manner. Gatsby being the love blinded full he is says he was driving the vehicle and is gunned downed by the dead woman’s husband who is convinced Gatsby not only killed her but that he was having an affair with her too.
Throughout the film Gatsby always has hope that Daisy loves him as much as he loves her and this hope is symbolize by the green light at the end of her dock that he can see from across his mansion. Gatsby idealizes Daisy with a desired perfection that she does not have or deserve and this is best symbolized when she scoots out of town after his death and does not even bother to attend his funeral. Gatsby’s dream is ruined by the unworthiness of its object just like many present day men who neglect their own value and focus on the value of a woman they care for. It is poetic that Gatsby’s good qualities of love and loyalty are his undoing and that the only friend he really had was Nick the old sport who tries in vain to get Daisy to attend his funeral.
My favorite line was Nick’s when he said “And not even a flower from Daisy” after Gatsby had died signifying that his friend had died in vain for nothing for a woman not worthy of his affections.
Everyone has regrets. But not many are as bad ass as General Jackson’s are. By far my favorite president he was a warrior who did everything with style. Don’t live in the past unless there is a Calhoun on your list you haven’t settled affairs with…
PS: These 2 schemers would have run at the site of our good General.
A new poster to one of my old divorce threads asked an interesting question “How does a man find love if you are focused on protecting against divorce?” My reflex reaction was that what followed was going to be a trollish comment and I was going to reply “How do you enjoy your new home when you have to get fire insurance beforehand because you are focused on protecting against fire?”. After reading the rest of the comment it became apparent it was actually a legitimate question and one that I really can not answer. It is a bit like asking how can you love as deeply and as blindly as your first time before you suffered a life changing heart break. Some people can repress it and throw themselves right back in and make like it never happened. Others are forever changed by the experience and will no longer trust or love as deeply quite again. There is no playbook answer in those circumstances a lot of it will depend on your previous life experiences and how you best cope and move forward after tough circumstances come your way.
Can you find love if you are focused protecting against divorce? To me the better question is if you find love will you still protect yourself and what you have worked for against the possibility of ruin. No fault divorce, cultural disintegration of divorce stigma, and the potential lure of cash and prizes creates risk. You can still plunge in and take that risk, that is what life is about. But when you go sky diving you take a backup parachute just in case. How are you going to protect yourself while still giving yourself a shot at love? I do not see many benefits that can not be obtained through a committed relationship vs. what has become of modern day marriage.
I was enjoying a laid back Sunday afternoon at an out of town sports bar watching the early football games on Sunday. Was enjoying some banter with a reasonably attractive recent graduate sitting next to me. She mentioned she was a soon to be history teacher for high school so I figured she must be a bit of a history nerd. Told her I’d buy her a beer if she could name the first 5 presidents in order. She didn’t get past Washington without suggesting Aaron Burr as the 2nd. I had to mercifully let her off the hook after several other failed guesses of people who were never president and a bold proclamation that anyone can memorize facts and it really wasn’t that important. She will soon be teaching some soon to be perpetually ignorant students of history. I guess some history nerds are actually fleeing from math, science, and facts.
I consider myself a currently lapsed Catholic that will return to the fold at some point in a traditional Church where the mass is still conducted in Latin. There is still truth out there but it is increasingly rare these days. So much of what passes as the Christian religion is fake and disgustingly anti gospel. Here is the worst of the worst the 10 types of “christians that in true Bon Jovi style give Christ a bad name”
1. Churches that placate women’s bad behavior and shame men to distract the truth. Dalrock covers this on a regular and that is why I read his blog and avoid these type of hell on earth holes.
2. Prosperity gospel preachers that enrich themselves by selling false hope and bad theology. Try to get one of these hacks to explain why suffering exists and it will likely be because you haven’t Creflo’d enough dollars in their collection plate.
3. Christians that have no appreciation for ancient traditions and don’t understand history. If you don’t understand where you came from how do you know what you are?
4. Churches that make sin cheap and excuse bad behavior if it keeps people in the seats and dough in the coffers.
5. Churches that worship the Bible but do not understand where it came from. Without understanding the history of how scripture came to pass you really know nothing about the early Church or the true faith of the Apostles.
6. Churches that split over ever misunderstanding and difference. What is 0 / 0 again?
7. Christians that try to explain suffering.
8. Churches that focus on rapture theology and why they will be spared the impending doom.
9. Churches that claim to literally interpret scripture but upon closer inspection no one is missing any eyes…
10. Christians that turn Jesus into a boyfriend or a home boy. Wait is there a space between home and boy? On second thought who cares…
If you want faith why wouldn’t you take it like I take my Jack Daniels, straight?
Marriages end and 80% of the time if it does it is the woman’s fault. Yes, I have the balls to say it and it is true. Men are mostly easy going and in it for the duration like lambs to the slaughter believing the to death do us part vow and hoping things work out come hell or high water. Some schlub’s seem to learn nothing from divorce as evidenced by James Russell Lingerfelt’s sickening essay “Beautiful advice from a divorce man after 16 year’s of marriage“. Thanks to heartiste for providing the self exploding ammunition.
Divorce isn’t an easy thing for anyone but is anyone so self loathing to assume they are solely to blame? Evidently so. With no further delay here are 20 not so beautiful reasons why..
1. “Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it.”
If there can be no comfort in marriage why bother? That goes equally for both parties and I am not advocating letting yourself go as a man but what does it really mean to take a woman for granted? The concept owning a woman’s heart and fiercely protecting it are so new ageish or breaking bad evangelical Christian heresy that attempt to place the blame on a man’s doorstep for women ending a marriage without real justification.
2. “Protect your own heart. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance”.
Good advice here but what is he really saying? Unless he cheated (which I would bet against 99-1 based on the tone of the post) this is just more new age spinster feel goodism lacking any real substance. What lead to the divorce be honest?
3. “Fall in love over and over again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her”
Wow do you masturbate to thoughts of the new guy plowing her? Yes, she does have to stay with you if she has any kind of morals after all she promised to, right? Shouldn’t honor and the promise to be faithful mean something, evidently not? So I have a big question why marry? If neither person has to stay with each other that sounds like something called being single.
4. “Always see the best in her. Focus only on what you love. . If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged”.
All the odds makers in Vegas tell me lack of love on your part was not the problem more lack of interest on her part. Be real it was not your critical nature that ended this relationship…
5. “It’s not your job to change or fix her… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.”
Raw painful truth here stop making excuses.. Who’s fault is it again? Quit writing posts hoping it will get you your next lay. Some changes are bad and not what you signed up for and should be resisted.
6. “Take full accountability for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love”.
This is 100% truth but had nothing to do with why your relationship ended it is just filler
7. “Never blame your wife if you get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility.”
Maybe but maybe not. What did she do? I’d say if she plowed the whole rugby team or spent you into debt you have a right to be mad. If she burnt dinner its annoying but not a big deal. You know the difference, right?
8. “Allow your woman to just be. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok” The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out…”
There was more to this but I just had to cut it off. Did she let you be? No chance. As soon as you got off of your job she was in your grill demanding your attention right? Not even a moment to let up and unwind from the day. Yep she wanted better and different and it wasn’t your fault it is called hypergamy and unless you were born a Baldwin you probably had no chance.
9. “Be silly… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.”
Some useful advice a lot of people take life too seriously.
10. “Fill her soul everyday… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen”.
You’ve read lots of the wrong books but have learned nothing about why things went wrong. Be a little more animal and a little less Dr. Phil/Urkel.
11. “Be present. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is”.
Not too much to quarrel with here except the need to mention soul in every single line. Being present is a good thing but it still wasn’t your fault she got bored, found someone better, or had unrealistic expecations, be honest.
12. “Be willing to take her sexually”
Yep be a man and go after what you want. But doing all of the other self destructive things mentioned will give her persistent headaches that never seem to go away.
13. “Don’t be an idiot…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she”
Natural repercussion of making a 20 item list come hell or high water. This says nothing but appeasing people who thing men are idiots well done foolish sir!
14. “Give her space… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself”.
Truly horrible advice. A woman wanting space is done with you already and likely arranging her backup plan. Learn from your mistakes will you?
15. “Be vulnerable… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.”
This wouldn’t have helped you and wasn’t your problem. Were you the renegade lone wolf keeping a distance while she yearned to know you deeper? Hmm..
16. “Be fully transparent. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share”
New Age Gospel according to James. Praise the Lord they didn’t give James a gospel in the New Testament! How would this have changed the situation at all?
17. “Never stop growing together… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool”
Growth is cool and encouraged. But were you growing together or apart? Was she committed to growing with you like she promised?
18. “Don’t worry about money. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win”.
This line more than any other confirms to me that the author is pandering and foolish. Money matters and responsible adults know how to manage it to their mutual benefit. Overspending and debt is a cancer that cuts to the core of a relationship exposing it for unwise decisions that can not be paid for.. Eventually you have to pay there is no free ride in this fairy tale…
19. “Forgive immediately and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage”
For small things I 100% agree. For serious matters true repentance is required and it is more trying on a relationship. Not everything can or should be an easy path to status quo. Generic statements like this hardly deserve the thought I am putting in.
20. “Always choose love. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure”.
Did she choose love when she served you with divorce and most probably lifetime alimony? I feel the love…
“In the end marriage isn’t about happily ever after.”
“MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE: Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from. Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.”
Why would any self respecting man think this will help him? There is no evidence any of this would have helped your situation and most of the steps here are only pandering to the notion that women never are to blame and that if things went wrong it has to be the man’s fault. ? Men be smart if you are already married do your best and look out for your interests and if not Do Not Marry unless you are a glutton for…
Most people I run across that claim to want advice really just want someone to talk to. It took me the longest time to realize that because wise being that I am, I naturally took it at face value after all most people could benefit from advice. But offering advice when someone only wants to talk is a waste of both peoples time. It puts undue pressure on the advice hearer to take some action and actually take steps to improve their lot in life. That is only useful for people that are looking to change and improve an fact is most people don’t want to do that kind of heavy lifting. Much better to complain about the same problem over and over vs. the discomfort and risk associated with changing.
Even though I no longer offer unwanted advice I refuse to listen to problems or pity talk more than once. The choice to improve is optional but my choice to avoid wasting time and energy on someone who is lazy and stuck in destructive ways is the equal and opposite reaction.