Men are getting blindsided by divorce

I switched jobs not that long ago and was SHOCKED, SHOCKED JERRY (for my old school Seinfeld people) about the men in my department close to my age bracket that were all going through a recent divorce. It is safe to say that the institution of marriage has never been in worse shape in America since 1776. Stable marriage in America and many other countries is in decline and it is primarily women pursuing the divorces. These divorces are not your stereotypical reasons for divorce of years gone by such as infidelity or physical abuse. The root causes of these divorces are much more insidious. Entitlement, boredom and I’m not haaaaappy for a minute oh my. If a society rewards bad behavior with a financial windfall what else is to be expected?

So what separates me as a relatively happily divorced man vs. most of my colleagues? I was not totally blindsided by my divorce. I saw a few signs that my marriage was not stable and started to make contingency plans to minimize my damage if (when) things unraveled. I was under no illusions that I was living in a 50s marital fantasy land where women stick it out through the rough points and honor their vows made before God. I wish we were still living in that day and age but it has past us by forever and men need to wise up and realize that divorce is possible anytime.

What mistakes did the new colleagues (3 recent divorces in the department) of mine make when they were presented with divorce? They were blindsided by the divorce papers and reacted without taking time to consider their positions. They reacted too quickly and rushed to finalize the deal giving away the farm in the process. They lost the house. They agreed to pay for way more alimony than their deal breaking ex was entitled under state law. They agreed to way more child support than was required especially since they were splitting time with the children nearly 50-50.

Don’t rush into agreeing to any paperwork under emotional duress after getting served divorce papers

Don’t use a “mutual” lawyer chosen by your soon to be ex who will “represent” you both. This is how men get screwed over. Determine what your rights are and protect them with representation as needed.

Don’t agree to alimony without determining what your worst case court imposed “sentence” would be. In many divorces nowadays alimony is no longer just and should be resisted with every fiber of your being. Marriage is a contract and the person ending the contract (cases of infidelity or significant physical abuse notwithstanding) should not benefit from their dishonesty.

Don’t feel you need to be Mr. Nice Guy and agree to whatever terms her greedy lawyers have drawn up. Frivolous divorces are evil and should not be rewarded. Don’t let her lies flip the script and make you the bad guy.

Can’t afford a decent lawyer, try to get a wise trusted relative in your corner. Don’t have any of that contact me and I will offer you some free advice from a guy that has been there.

Men wake up and don’t treat your soon to be ex like the woman you thought or wished she was. Treat her like the viper who is trying to ruin you financially (unless she is reasonable and comes at you with fair terms).

Read my previous post on divorce mistakes men make so you won’t get blindsided and become alimony roadkill on the divorce superhighway.

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11 Responses to Men are getting blindsided by divorce

  1. Zorro says:

    This is 2012. Any man who marries flirts with the prospect of divorce. I am a sympathetic soul who tries to walk in another man’s moccasins before judging him, but marriage is the leading cause of divorce. I therefore have little sympathy for men who are served with divorce papers.

    Never marry.

    1) The presumption of paternity.
    2) Unilateral (no fault) divorce.

    Why the fuck would a sane man do it?????

    • MTK says:

      I agree it is a risky proposition. Here are some of the reasons I think men still do it in today’s corrosive culture:
      Seek an old school traditional lifestyle with kids
      The woman pressure them into it
      Think it won’t happen to them (most statistics appear broad and are not very relatable until you know people its happened to).
      They haven’t opened their eyes to the reality that it is primarily women driving divorce and that the divorce industry exists to keep them in a one bedroom apartment without even a balcony.

  2. Pingback: Linkage is Good for You: Week of April 29, 2012

  3. Fudge says:

    Good gosh guys I’ve been under a rock way too long. About fell out of my chair when I read….”I’m not haaaaappy for a minute oh my. If a society rewards bad behavior with a financial windfall what else is to be expected?” That’s my wife. She no longer happy and wants out. We have a 6 yr and 3 yr old kids. Not sure if you’ve heard of apron strings but my wife still has her’s attached to Mommie and Daddy. They are her sounding board and have been for most of our marriage. I’m getting served this week per our last conversation. Says she wants nothing but out and I can have 50/50 custody. I’m asking her to write that down next time we speak.
    And MTK – this is me…”Seek an old school traditional lifestyle with kids”. I am old school and I thought she was too.

  4. Nita Krugh says:

    Divorce causes major issues with health insurance benefits. Many families have employer provided and/or paid for health insurance benefits that cover the entire family. It is not uncommon to see situations where the other spouse is a stay at home parent, with absolutely no access to health insurance benefits, or employed at a job with either no health insurance benefits available or those benefits available at a substantial cost. After a divorce, the spouse with the family health insurance coverage can no longer cover the other parent. They are no longer “family” members who can take advantage of one health insurance policy. How to then ensure that everyone stays insured does become an issue for negotiation and/or divorce litigation.-‘

    Current write-up provided by our own blog

  5. I am a broken man who is going through this without family and friends. My wife was a control addict and i have no idea what i am doing any more. I have no money and no prospects. I have a job but i am living in a bedroom that i rented. I did leave the house and i dont know what to do. Freaking out. Week 3

    • MTK says:

      What are your concerns about reaching out to friends and family? It may seem dark now but things will get better and you’ll enjoy life more once this is behind you.

      Any specific advice you are looking for?

  6. David says:

    How can you expect to find true love with “divorce” always rolling around in the back of your mind? After 30 years of marriage “I” was blindsided. She had received her masters just 4 months earlier. “I” was the terrible creature according to her but the kids disagreed and the restraining order was dropped. I’ve gone through all the health problems and council sessions and the hundreds of thousands of lost dollars. The things you find out later are quite hurtful and really don’t go away. I read most off the comments from people and have to believe that our society has eroded away the three corner stones of a relationship. Lets bring back “morals, respect and dignity”.

    • MTK says:

      That would be ideal but how do you propose that happens we are sliding pretty far down.
      At this point the best a man can do is protect his interests and go into everything realistic on what could happen.

  7. Jonathan Smolowe says:

    I went through the blind sided divorce hell. It took me WAY too long to pick myself up and get on with my life. What helped me (along with therapy) was a book called “I Thought We Were Happy: Lessons My Wife Taught Me on the Road to Divorce” by Jonathan L. Lewis. It is raw, real and really made me realize how ridiculous I was bemoaning my fate and not getting on with my life.

    I recommend it highly – especially if you’re in the throws of it or just not getting on with your life.

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