Time to get under the microscope and test out the new relationship change analysis method I posted about yesterday. I am going to analyze my most recent relationship, a failed marriage from this year which is my most meaningful recent relationship that is worth learning from. There are still some unsorted emotions regarding it but overall I think I will be able to give an accurate assessment that will aid me in evaluating future relationships that are healthier for me.
Relationship Change Analysis Template
Relationship Type: Marriage (1st time for both of us)
Length of relationship:
- 1.5 years prior to marriage
- 6 years married
What was/is your goal for the relationship? : Goal was to have a stable family life especially for my daughter who was the reason we got married. We both realized that was the primary reason going in and I went in with the intention that we’d work things out and learn to build a life together but have to admit I knew there was a pretty big risk but did it anyway.
What is the current status of relationship? : Recently divorced as of 3Q this year and still living in same house until she moves out in 1Q 2012. We get along ok overall and realize we have to get along for the sake of the children.
High point of the relationship: Vacations we took together one on one and family times spent with the kids.
Low point of the relationship: Family difficulties she had with my mother (intense), demanding and entitled attitude about what she deserved/wanted in life.
Typical experience while in the relationship: Overall day to day was mostly normal, sex life pretty good, although the divorce conversation came up several times before going through.
Was the relationship beneficial to both parties? : For a time although she was never totally happy and I became distant as a result.
What caused the relationship to change? : Relationship always had some unstable foundations around different desires as far as living locations, future plans, and lifestyle. She desired a much grander lifestyle and thinks it is guaranteed she will make millions from a music career in the near future.
How does this relationship compare to similar relationships of the same category from the past/present (ie family, friend coworker, romantic etc.)? : By far the longest term romantic relationship I had. Longest prior one was less than a year and most other associations were not long in duration.
Thing(s) you liked most about the relationship? She was good to kids and kept her self in shape and attractive and was affectionate.
Thing(s) you liked least about the relationship? Difficulties between her and family and an underlying sense of knowing it wasn’t going to last despite wanting it to for the kids sake.
Things you would do different to have changed the outcome of the relationship? Me learning game concepts sooner may have helped or just prolonged the inevitable. Indulging her music dream a bit too much financially (not to the point of burden but a decent investment) although I viewed it as a way to keep her happy at the time. Other obvious answer is to not have married just because a child was involved and that is the true deeper learning (and not to get in that situation in the first place unless its a stable marriage)
Things you would not do different to have changed the outcome of the relationship? I did not want to change locations where we lived or change careers which caused conflict but I thought a man should lead these decisions and have the final say. I also managed the finances tightly and avoided problems with debt I would have otherwise had if we had more joint accounts.
How did close friends/family/associates view the relationship? Were hopeful it could work out but probably had doubts. Suddenness of divorce surprised extended family on both sides.
What are the most important things you learned from the relationship?
- Practice safe sex all the time to avoid bad situations (kids are a blessing always but can be enjoyed even more in the right situation)
- Do not enter into a marriage “for the kid” if it will not stand on its own. A marriage needs to last even after the kids moved out or its not worth pursuing.
- Marriage is a risky proposition for a man because the legal system is stacked against him
- Men need to keep wives on their toes (and vice versa to a lesser extent) to avoid boredom. Game is a great method for this and that was foreign to me before.
- Appreciation for how difficult marriage is in this day and age (parents and most other family made it look fairly easy and comfortably manageable).
How will you approach a relationship of this type differently next time to reach your goals?
- Not rushing into a long term relationship
- Evaluate long term partners using a deeper criteria after knowing them longer
- Employ game principles strategically to maintain by established value and not undermine my perceived value
What are your goals for the next relationship you experience of this relationship type (ie family, friend coworker, romantic etc.):
Need to work on this part as I am still sorting through and untangling from the marriage. My thoughts of now is marriage is often an unfair deal for men but part of the key in any relationship is finding the right person and making a wise choice. We all own our choices and must accept our role in any negative outcomes. I own my previous choice, realize more about the world now, and am ready to make major moves in the New Year.
I am interested on how an outside person views this candid assessment and any insights obtained from reading it.