I just recently discovered the fmylife site and love the nonsense that gets posted there. Time to play MK Life Coach and help some of these needy souls out.
Today, after five long years of having been together, my boyfriend told me that he wanted to take our relationship to the “next level”. We now have a Sims relationship. FML
MK: This guy has major game or is a complete nerd. Either way I think its hilarious and I am pretty sure you’ll never do better. He’s a keeper. Catch you in two years when he has finally acknowledged your relationship on Facebook.
Today, I told my husband that I wanted him to stay sober during the week. He responded by saying he wanted me to be a supermodel during the week. FML
MK: Send me a pic and I will let you know if your a 6/12/18/30 pack a night kind of girl. From your incessant nagging the line is 18 and I am taking the over.
Today, I wrote a fake phone number on my neck to make it look like someone had hit on me. FML
MK: Great plan why not tattoo it on so it does not get lost when you take a shower. Email me your prison # once you get it and don’t drop the soap.
Today, my boyfriend confessed that after every fight we have, he dips my toothbrush in the toilet. FML
MK: If you were not so lax on your housework and cleaned the toilets more than once every presidential election I do not think you’d be as concerned. Lighten up and buy identical tooth brushes and practice a random rotation so if he’s feeling frisky he ends up playing toothbrush Russian toilet roulette.
Today, while playing with a lighter, I jokingly told my boyfriend I would burn his mustache off. He responded by telling me he would burn off mine. FML
MK: Hey Rollie Fingers, the mans trying to give you a compliment perhaps that heavy stache is causing your head to tilt and creating an imbalance. Take care of the hair and inspect other parts too I’m guessing you’ll need to press for the multi body part discount.
Today, my boyfriend kindly informed me that if I ever got bitten during a zombie apocalypse, he’d love me enough to beat me to death with a tire iron. He said this because he’s been having vivid dreams about it happening. I honestly don’t know whether he’s joking or not. FML
MK: Death by tire iron scores points for originality and to put you out of your brain eating misery. Wonder if he’d impale you and shove your head up the mailman’s ass if you were a vampire?
Today, I was kicked in the crotch. The girl who did it thought I was her ex-boyfriend. I’m a girl. FML
MK: Comedy legend Rodney Dangerfield is back and he has been reincarnated as a woman! He/she still gets not respect.
Today, I woke up to the feeling of someone tickling my back. I quickly realized I haven’t been touched in so long that I was smiling to flies landing on me in my sleep. FML
MK: Damn that’s funny. I hope no worms manage to creep into your house or your neighbors will be woken to a screaming orgasm. See you on Springer.
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by covering my car with post-it notes that read “it’s you not me.” FML
MK: Points for originality and honesty to your ex, you’ll have a hard time getting over this modern day Shakespeare. Wonder if he got a bulk discount on all the post-it notes, hopefully he used his Staples reward card.
Today, I found out that my mum has been texting my ex-boyfriend to tell him what a dick he is. FML
MK: So are you going to be living with your mom or dad after the divorce? Your mother is not telling him what a dick he is but sampling some for herself. Side with your dad or I predict a lot of one and done relationships for you and a lot of empty condom wrappers in your mom’s bathroom.